There’s a cloud in every silver lining. — Snark
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common; they should be changed regularly, and for the same reason
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re crazy
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it… so I said “Implants?“
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t
If God is watching us …the least we can do is be entertaining
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one!