To be sure of hitting the target,
shoot first and call whatever you hit the target
There’s a cloud in every silver lining
Do not argue with an idiot.
They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common;
they should be changed regularly, and for the same reason
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion.
He said “okay, you’re crazy”
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket…
I’d miss you heaps and think of you often
I’ve been hiding from exercise,
I’m in the fitness protection program!
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is that he can tell when he’s really in trouble (it’s always a he, right?)
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it… so I said “Implants?“
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, then proceed to tell you why it isn’t…
If God is watching us …the least we can do is be entertaining
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one!
I believe in Free Speech, I also believe in Mute, Block and Delete
I’ve reached an age
where my train of thought
leaves the station without me
Two blondes were driving to Disneyland:
The sign said: Disneyland left.
So they started crying and headed home
What do you call a person who is happy on Monday?
My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said:
“At the end of this ruler there’s an idiot!”
I got detention after asking which end.
If pooping is a call of nature,
does that mean farting is a missed call?
I before E
Except when your foreign neighbour Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.
It’s funny how everybody considers honesty a virtue,
yet no one wants to hear the truth.
70 4D4P7 70
Two girls on the bus sitting in front of me start talking about a date that one of them had recently been on, one of them says “and then he stuck his hand up my skirt” and her friend says “the one with the stripes on it?”
At my funeral I’m giving everyone a stun gun.
Last one standing gets all my shit…
“I don’t hate people…
I just feel better when they’re not around”