Humour, Lawyer, Mental

‘Disorder in the American Courts’

These are from the books
 – ‘Disorder in the American Courts‘ by Marcelle Boren and
 – Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History by Charles M. Sevilla.

They are of things said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place…


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY : I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law..


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